5 Questions to Ask Before Getting Back With Your Ex
Psyche Revived by Cupid’s Kiss” by Antonio Canova, housed in the Louvre Museum. This sculpture embodies the tender complexity of reuniting with a past love—where longing, hope, and vulnerability intertwine.
Photo credit: Sara Darcaj
Introduction & Overview:
Breakups are painful and disorienting. And at some point, we may find ourselves wrestling with the question:
“Does getting back with my ex even make sense?”
It's a vulnerable time—full of uncertainty, heightened emotions, longing, and curiosity about what might still be there for the other person too.
Once the sharp pain of the breakup begins to soften, it’s natural to crave the familiarity—the sense of being deeply known and the emotional connection you once shared.
Before deciding to rekindle a past romantic relationship, it can be grounding and supportive for both people to pause and reflect. Whether the relationship ended due to emotional misattunement, unmet needs, or timing, gaining clarity—individually and together—can help you approach the possibility with more self-awareness and intention.
This process of identifying what we truly want and need—and learning to communicate it—creates the foundation for lasting fulfillment and honors our future selves. When we explore expectations openly with another person, we create space for mutual happiness, genuine understanding, and deeper connection. We don’t need ourselves or the other person to be perfect. But we do need a solid base—one we can build on with care, curiosity, and commitment, like fertile soil for a budding garden.
5 Questions to Ask Before Getting Back With Your Ex:
Here are 5 questions both partners can explore together to gain deeper understanding and help co-create a new dynamic rooted in awareness and emotional nourishment:
1. What needs were unmet for you that I may not have realized or understood the first time around?
This question opens space for honest reflection about emotional gaps and invites compassion for each other’s inner experiences.
– “I often felt like I had to manage my emotions alone, and I really needed more emotional availability and check-ins.”
– “I didn’t feel fully seen or celebrated for who I am; I craved more affirmation and curiosity about my inner world.”
2. What fears come up for you when thinking about reconnecting romantically?
Rather than brushing past fear, naming it allows it to soften. Understanding each other’s tender spots builds emotional safety.
– “I’m afraid we’ll fall into the same cycle and I’ll lose myself again.”
– “I worry that you’ll leave when things get hard, and I’ll be left holding everything emotionally.”
3. What new strategies or agreements could we co-create together to help avoid old patterns?
This isn't about perfection—it’s about intentionality. Co-creating relational tools can be a loving act of emotional repair.
– “We could set up weekly check-ins where we reflect on how we’re both feeling in the relationship. We could also try gentle exercises to explore our unspoken relationship expectations and stay emotionally aligned.”
– “When conflict escalates, let’s agree to pause for at least 20 minutes. We can each take that time to regulate—whether that’s breathwork, a short walk, or journaling—then come back to talk things through with more calm and care.”
Want a free tool to support these conversations?
Download Mind Jardin’s Quick Guide to Healthy Relationship Expectations to help you identify what matters most to you and explore it with a partner in a grounded, heart-centered way.
4. What helps you feel most loved and valued in a relationship?
Whether it’s words, actions, or presence, tuning into each other’s emotional blueprint can deepen intimacy from the start.
– “When you take the time to really listen and reflect back what you hear—it makes me feel so emotionally safe.”
– “Thoughtful gestures, like a voice note or remembering something important to me, make my heart soften.”
5. What boundaries feel important in this connection—and why?
Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re the edges where self-respect and togetherness meet. Knowing what’s needed helps prevent re-wounding.
– “I need time to myself to recharge without it meaning something’s wrong.”
– “I want to protect my peace when we disagree—no yelling or shutting down communication.”
Conclusion:
You don’t need to rush into answers or decisions. If the connection is meant to blossom again, it will unfold more beautifully with honesty, nervous system regulation, and mutual care. Let each question be an invitation inward—toward deeper self-understanding—and outward, into more honest connection with each other.
References:
Copyright @Personal Development School. Concepts adapted from coursework on attachment theory.
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💌 Free Resource for Couples:
Want a simple tool to help you explore expectations with your ex—or future partner?
Download Mind Jardin’s Quick Guide to Healthy Relationship Expectations to support emotional clarity, grounded communication, and deeper connection.
📝 Reflect & Connect
Have you ever thought about getting back with an ex? What helped you decide what was right for you?
Which of the 5 questions stood out to you the most? Why do you think that is?
What’s one thing you wish more people understood about breakups or healing?
Are you curious to explore how your past relationships may have shaped your view of love?
Which relationship skill are you most interested in strengthening right now?
