5 Reflection Questions for Choosing the Right Relationship
Inspired by “The Life List” on Netflix
Photo credit: Ian Schneider
📸 [Photo: two hands holding sparklers in the moody nighttime glow]
Introduction
One relaxing evening, I watched The Life List on Netflix. I didn’t expect much—but I was genuinely moved. The film follows Alex Rose (Sofia Carson), who, after her mother's passing, rediscovers a childhood "life list" she created at age 13. To claim her inheritance, Alex must complete the list, guided by her mom’s heartfelt video letters. The journey takes her through experiences like stand-up comedy, volunteering, and reconnecting with family.
What struck me most was Alex’s emotional transformation: she begins in a state of quiet disconnection—going through the motions of life without much joy, direction, or discernment. Even before her mother’s passing, she’s stuck in autopilot, disconnected from what really matters to her. But after the loss, and as she begins completing the life list, something shifts. She starts to feel again—moving through grief, discomfort, and ultimately, into awe, courage, and joy. Through each experience and connection, she gradually awakens from numbness into a more grounded, vibrant, and emotionally present version of herself.
Beyond the bucket-list adventures, the film also explores messy, real-life relationships—from wild friendships to complicated romantic dynamics—reminding us how essential healthy connection really is.
While sparks may fly, trust doesn’t hinge on magic—it builds slowly through consistency. That’s why we look for congruency—when someone’s words and actions align again and again. Trust scholars confirm it develops through repeated reliability and integrity over time. [References 1,2,3]
One of the film’s most powerful takeaways? A set of four reflection questions Alex asks herself when choosing a partner. These questions are a gentle spoiler—but also a beautiful invitation.
And because this theme is so foundational in my work as an attachment coach, I’ve added a fifth question that I believe captures a core piece of relationship well-being. Let’s explore all five together.
What I Love About These Questions
These reflection questions spotlight what truly matters in a life partner: character, nervous-system safety, authentic communication, intergenerational awareness, conflict resilience, and alignment with your personality needs—your core emotional priorities that help you feel seen, respected, and understood. [4,5]
Whether intentional or not, The Life List leads us toward emotional nourishment—where our needs are met and mutual trust grows. Flourishing relationships aren’t selfish; they’re essential. When you're seen, safe, and valued, everything else starts to feel possible.
The 5 Reflection Questions
(The original four are from the film—I've added one more to round out the reflection.)
1.) Are they kind? (Film)
Kindness isn’t just niceness—it’s the practice of holding yourself and others with respect and care. A kind partner is honest yet fair, compassionate yet boundary-aware. It's a daily choice to love well.
2.) Do they bring out the best in me? (Film)
This question helps you notice if someone consistently supports your growth. Emotionally safe relationships invite honesty, self-compassion, and accountability—while honoring your autonomy and voice.⁴
3.) Can I tell my heart to them? (Film)
Vulnerability is sacred when met with care, not judgment. Being able to share fears, desires, and messy truths matters deeply. Emotional safety makes this kind of openness possible. [5]
4.) Would they make a good parent? (Film)
Even if parenting isn’t on your path, this question gets to the heart of character. Does this person show patience, emotional attunement, and kindness in small moments? Can they love responsibly and sustainably?
5.) How do they handle conflict and communication? (My addition)
A healthy relationship isn’t conflict-free—it’s conflict well handled. Do they repair after ruptures? Communicate with clarity? Stay respectful even under stress? Their approach to communication says a lot about their emotional maturity. [5]
Integrating Self-Care and Support
In The Life List, the main character doesn’t just seek love—she learns to meet herself more fully. Her healing unfolds through a blend of self-discovery, purpose, and leaning into a wider circle of support: friends, family, and eventually, a romantic partner.
What’s beautifully portrayed is that her partner isn’t her entire world—he’s not a savior or a shortcut to healing. Instead, he becomes a meaningful part of her life and community—a source of connection and support, but not the only one. Her thriving comes from within, through action, grief integration, and renewed connection with life itself.
This reflects a powerful truth:
Healthy relationships begin with a healthy relationship to yourself.
Self-care, emotional regulation, and boundaries build your capacity to show up fully and choose well. [6,7]
Strong social connections—empathy, validation, practical support—buffer stress and help us stay grounded in challenges. [8,9]
By caring for ourselves and welcoming support, we live out the heart of these reflection questions: choosing relationships marked by character, consistency, and mutual nourishment.
Congruency & Time
True connection—and trust—develop over time through consistent behavior, not just first impressions or charm. It's the repeated alignment between words and actions, especially during conflict, that reveals someone’s integrity. That congruency is the foundation of lasting connection. [1,2]
What Are Personality Needs?
Your personality needs are the emotional experiences most essential to you in relationships—like safety, recognition, autonomy, or belonging. They shape how you feel loved, respected, and connected. Knowing them helps you use these five questions as a lens for relational alignment. [4]
Conclusion
These five questions aren’t just a checklist—they’re a compass. They guide you toward aligned, growth-oriented partnerships that support your emotional well-being.
Whether you're healing from heartbreak, nurturing a deepening bond, or exploring something new, these reflections help you reconnect with your values—and move toward relationships grounded in trust, congruency, and mutual care.
Because when you’re seen, safe, and supported—you’re free to truly live.
📚 References
Trust develops through consistent behavior over time.
[Psychology Today on trust being built gradually]Word–action congruency is foundational to trust.
[ABC SoCal, “Creating Trust”]Trust cushions relationships and emerges as reliability grows.
[Psychology Today, “The Psychology of Trust in Business Relationships,” May 2025]Emotional/personality needs—autonomy, recognition, safety—influence relational alignment.
[Verywell Mind, current relational frameworks]The role of consistent communication and emotional safety in healthy relationships.
[Verywell Mind & relational-attachment theory]Self-care and boundaries support emotional availability in relationships.
[Attachment & relational self-care research]Emotional regulation enables healthier connection and partner support.
[Interpersonal-social support studies]Social support buffers stress and supports wellbeing.
[Social psychology & wellness research]Empathy, validation, and connection foster relational resilience.
[Attachment & social psychology literature]
💌 Want support naming your emotional needs in love?
Whether you’re healing or exploring reconnection, it can be difficult to know what’s reasonable to ask for—especially if you tend to self-abandon in love.
That’s why I created the Quick Guide to Healthy Relationship Expectations: a pocket compass for clarity and emotional alignment.
📝 Reflect & Connect
Which of the five questions felt most revealing—and why?
How do you evaluate whether someone consistently follows through on their words?
What are your most important personality needs—trust, autonomy, validation, or others?
In what ways have self-care and a supportive community influenced your relationship choices?
Which question inspires you to grow as a partner?
